Dear eHarmony, Should I Talk About Back Fat in My Profile?

Dear eHarmony,

Well, hello! It’s nice to meet you. I thought I’d reach out because it’s rare for someone to go to such great lengths to meet me. Since my divorce, some are having a hard time knowing what to say, but not you, eHarmony. You’re in my newsfeed, Gmail account and sidebar ads, waving your online arms, saying “Hey Becca! Over here! Check out online dating! Join us!” You are apparently extremely confident in my date-ability so I thought I’d check in and get your advice.

Let’s not discuss the actual dating part because I put on mascara this morning and a panic attack would ruin this herculean effort. Let’s just chat about this profile you want me to create.

Here’s my question, eHarm – how much of my truth should I throw out there? Should I be a little generic and side-step a a few important details? Adopt a “put your best, most appealing foot forward, and leave the rest of the varicose-veined leg for later” philosophy? A Watered-Down Becca profile?

Or should I throw it all on the table and own my humanness like a boss. Let these manly candidates get a look at my baggage and decide if they have any interest in being in the same room with it. No auto-tuning, no smoothing out the sharp edges, just Becca Unplugged.

I wrote both, eHarmony. What do ya think?

***

Watered-Down Becca: Hi.

Becca Unplugged: To the Complete Strangers Reading and Judging My Profile Who I Will Most Likely Never Meet, here’s what you should know. I think.

I’m a self-employed professional.

I work for myself because I like to work at 2am, or from my kitchen, or while singing Uptown Funk. I have a house with furniture that is not inflatable. It would be great if you, random dating candidate, did not sleep on a futon. Real silverware is a definite plus.

I’m amicably divorced.

I see my ex a lot. My therapist thinks is fan-ta-stic.

I’m 41 and pretty okay with it.

I mostly like being in my 40’s. Turning 40 gives you the power to say I Don’t Care and actually mean it. That’s a good thing. The downside is that my face seems to be melting as I age so I would really like to meet in a place with generously dim lighting. Or a movie. Movies are awesome.

I have an eight year old son.

I adopted a Chinese tornado who is on the autism spectrum. If you are a guy who thinks it’s funny to pretend to be Rain Man on our date, I will be the girl who pretends to have food poisoning and leave you with the check after I order twelve lobster entrees on my way out. If you do meet my son, don’t be offended when he asks if you are pregnant or if you flew a B-29 in World War II.

I like to write.

Like every other middle-aged mother, I have a blog. This means I will be writing an article about our meet and greet in my head as we chat over coffee in that generously dim lighting. If Huffington Post runs my piece, I will change your name to Bert if you wore loafers and no socks, and to Sergio if you wore Ed Hardy or jeans with bling on the back pockets.

Dancing is fun.

If we hear music somewhere, and you happen to be the kind of guy who doesn’t have to be begged to dance, and bonus, you don’t care what you look like on the dance floor, I will give you rock-hard abs when I blog about our date.

I like honesty, over-sized sweatshirts, spicy salsa and Netflix.

Do you know what “back fat” is? This is a requirement. It will be a potential boyfriend’s job to tell me if it’s there so I can grab a cardigan. Or a Xanax.

I had a mastectomy. You should know this now because “I’m really cold” won’t work forever as an explanation as to why I wear a sweatshirt when we make out.

If you are expecting me to eat half the Chipotle bowl and save the rest for later, you will either be super impressed with me or super disgusted.

If you don’t like House of Cards, I just don’t think this will work.

What do you say, eHarmony, which profile is the winner? Just wave me down in my newsfeed and let me know. Thanks.

Sincerely,
Becca

 

Rebecca Masterson is a writer, speaker, and an advocate for children. For more from Rebecca, follow her on Instagram.

28 Comments

  1. Donna Miglino

    Brilliant, on so many levels?

    Reply
  2. Donna Miglino

    Brilliant, on so many levels?

    Reply
  3. Mom

    Snort.

    This made my day.

    Reply
  4. Mom

    Snort.

    This made my day.

    Reply
  5. punkrockpapa

    You are hilarious! This was awesome!!

    Reply
  6. punkrockpapa

    You are hilarious! This was awesome!!

    Reply
  7. Sydney

    You have back fat??? Sorry hun, but that’s a deal breaker!!
    Sergio

    Reply
  8. Sydney

    You have back fat??? Sorry hun, but that’s a deal breaker!!
    Sergio

    Reply
  9. btg5885

    Well done. The majority of people cannot live up to the expectations set by their Facebook persona. The significant majority cannot come close to their match.com or eharmony.com ones. I think if I had to look again, I would follow your path forward starting out with “if you are looking for the near perfect man, you can stop reading now.” I think asking a man about silverware ownership is excellent. Make sure it is not owned by his mother. :>)

    Reply
  10. btg5885

    Well done. The majority of people cannot live up to the expectations set by their Facebook persona. The significant majority cannot come close to their match.com or eharmony.com ones. I think if I had to look again, I would follow your path forward starting out with “if you are looking for the near perfect man, you can stop reading now.” I think asking a man about silverware ownership is excellent. Make sure it is not owned by his mother. :>)

    Reply
  11. Tracey

    Love love love it! Sincerely, from a woman who was very clear, honest and open about myself and what is was (and especially wasn’t) looking for when it came to online dating. I was post separation, pushing 40, kiddos in tow, ‘excess curves’ and I used a current pic – unlike half the guys who were old enough to be my dad but used pics that were 20+ years old. It became a game for me to see how “over” honest I could be in my profile and still have a full inbox. Happy to say I found my Prince Charming after wading through truck loads of duds…. And 5 years later we are happily ensconced in domestic bliss (and he will always tell me if I have back fat or a VPL or spinach in my teeth)

    Reply
  12. Tracey

    Love love love it! Sincerely, from a woman who was very clear, honest and open about myself and what is was (and especially wasn’t) looking for when it came to online dating. I was post separation, pushing 40, kiddos in tow, ‘excess curves’ and I used a current pic – unlike half the guys who were old enough to be my dad but used pics that were 20+ years old. It became a game for me to see how “over” honest I could be in my profile and still have a full inbox. Happy to say I found my Prince Charming after wading through truck loads of duds…. And 5 years later we are happily ensconced in domestic bliss (and he will always tell me if I have back fat or a VPL or spinach in my teeth)

    Reply
  13. Runaway Nuns and Leprechauns

    OMG— This is the absolute best thing I’ve read all day! With your permission I’d like to repost this -in its entirety—

    Reply
  14. Runaway Nuns and Leprechauns

    OMG— This is the absolute best thing I’ve read all day! With your permission I’d like to repost this -in its entirety—

    Reply
  15. westendwaitress

    Amazing! So funny. Internet dating is a minefield !

    Reply
  16. westendwaitress

    Amazing! So funny. Internet dating is a minefield !

    Reply
  17. Ann

    Haha I love it, Becca. Well done. 🙂 If you haven’t heard of it before, you should check out PhotoFeeler.com. Would love to see your “watered down” profile photo vs. the “unplugged” one!!

    Reply
  18. Ann

    Haha I love it, Becca. Well done. 🙂 If you haven’t heard of it before, you should check out PhotoFeeler.com. Would love to see your “watered down” profile photo vs. the “unplugged” one!!

    Reply
  19. sillisoup

    Best post ever. Pop that baby up there! Your inbox will be inundated and you won’t even have to ask the dudes if they have a sense of humor.

    Reply
  20. sillisoup

    Best post ever. Pop that baby up there! Your inbox will be inundated and you won’t even have to ask the dudes if they have a sense of humor.

    Reply
  21. Hannah

    Fantastic!! I have just avoided online dating (truth: all dating) in the belief that my self esteem would not be up to the battering that app-wielding Londoners would inflict. Maybe one day I could be up to a Hannah Unplugged!

    Reply
  22. Hannah

    Fantastic!! I have just avoided online dating (truth: all dating) in the belief that my self esteem would not be up to the battering that app-wielding Londoners would inflict. Maybe one day I could be up to a Hannah Unplugged!

    Reply
  23. basedonatruestory91

    This is so witty and funny. It was all good, but I especially feel you on the Chipotle bowl comment…also the sweatshirt wearing while making out part made me LOL. Great writing

    Reply
  24. basedonatruestory91

    This is so witty and funny. It was all good, but I especially feel you on the Chipotle bowl comment…also the sweatshirt wearing while making out part made me LOL. Great writing

    Reply

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